This is part one of a two-part introduction to Jesus.Place.
What is Jesus?
Is that really what I meant to ask? Shouldn’t I be asking “who is Jesus?” or “what do I think of Jesus?”
No. I meant to ask, “what is Jesus?”
I know that sounds strange, and there’s probably a decent chance you’ve never considered this question but discovering “what is Jesus?” radically changed my life.
Let me explain.
In March of 2014, I was a very sad middle-aged guy with a long history of depression and alcohol & drug abuse. I was sitting at the kitchen table of a man from AA; a man who really didn’t like me, but as a courtesy to a mutual friend was willing to hear me out.
I told him, with the candor that only a defeated man can have, that alcohol had stopped working for me. It had stopped working decades ago, but physiologically it had REALLY stopped working. I was drinking vodka daily till I passed out, yet within a few hours, I was coming to, relatively sober and still stuck with myself.
And I hated being with myself.
Apparently, he did as well.
My sob story didn’t move him. He just stared at me with a mix of boredom and irritation.
But, as I droned on, I mixed in a very sincere and candid statement:
“I GIVE UP”
He snapped out of his brooding, and his face seem to light up. Of course, I was too involved in my story to make sense of this so he barked, “hey, will you just shut up for a minute!” Out of embarrassment, I stopped talking.
He asked, “are you serious?”
I said I was.
He asked, “will you do what I tell you to do?”
I said I would.
He got up from the table and came back with a notebook full of AA stuff. He also handed me a thin paperback book. He told me to go home and read it; read it like it was a love story written just for me.
It was the Gospel of John.
That man, who has since gone on to be with God, saved my life. He saved my life because he presented me with “What is Jesus?” rather than “Who is Jesus?”.
He knew I wasn’t ready to profess a belief in Jesus as a higher power, but that I needed to experience the power of Jesus first. That I wouldn’t grasp who Jesus is, until I felt the overwhelming quality of what Jesus is.
I don’t have a clear memory of what exactly took place after our meeting, but I do know, that over the next few weeks, I came to experience a loving, healing, comforting presence in my life that I had never experienced before. And that presence identified Himself to me as Jesus.
I never set out to become a Christian, but when you get dunked “in Christ”, it doesn’t leave you much of a decision. Oh, I’ve since spent years trying to ignore this transformation, but this isn’t an ugly Christmas sweater I can return. Its just like the Book says, it’s a rebirth.
Or as I like to analogize, I’m the caterpillar who’s become a reluctant butterfly. I can continue to slink around on the ground but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve now been given wings.
“What is Jesus?” is why I am a Christian.
And it’s the “What is Jesus?” question (or the seeming lack of curiosity I’ve encountered in answering it) that led me on a strange journey.
You see, in my initial honeymoon period with Jesus, I put aside all those misgivings I had about Christians. I thought these people were very uptight and straight laced, but if they experienced what I just experienced then maybe they had good reason to be so weird.
So I went with the flow.
Joined a church. Got some what involved. Started reading all sorts of mainstream Christian books. I even went back to college to study for a degree in Biblical Studies.
But as I started to come down off this initial Jesus high, I began to suspect that my experience with Jesus wasn’t the same experience that the Christians I was meeting were having.
I know this is an unfair generalization, but…
There didn’t seem to be much “in Christ” experience at all. God was an identity rather than the transformational power that I felt plugged into. A heavenly Rorschach pattern that believers projected onto. The Creator, The Task Master, and most of all, the Gatekeeper to the afterlife.
Even the “Jesus Loves Me” crowd left me wanting. Yeah, I know He loves me, but not like my Mom telling me that on the phone! Jesus was pouring into me like I was mainlining 200 proof Love. This caterpillar was being transmuted from the inside out.
I feel guilty writing those words. I know that I met a great deal of wonderful people in my early journey with Jesus, but it was becoming clear to me that the way that mainstream American Evangelicalism operated was not going to be a perfect fit for me.
So I’ve spent the better part of the last 8 years wandering in a spiritual desert trying to make sense of having Jesus in my life. Of having a gift and not knowing what to do with it.
Or worse yet, knowing what to do with it, but being to terrified to do so.
Oh, make no mistake, I’m not the man I was 8 years ago. Radical change has happened to me and how I interact with the world. But I’ve always had Jesus in my ear asking “now that you know what I am what do plan to do with Me?”
I invite you join me in Part 2 to see how I plan to answer Him.